By Susan Callahan, Anne Nolen and Katrin Schumann
Authors of Mothers Need Time-Outs, Too
No mom really likes to admit she’s a perfectionist – but of the 500+ women we spoke with over the years of researching Mothers Need Time-Outs, Too, we discovered that perfectionism is the #1 issue keeping modern mothers from enjoying the moment. We are all so busy trying to be everything to everyone – and doing a stellar job while we’re at it – that we don’t have a spare second to plug into our own needs or desires.

But beware: this will hurt us, and our families, in the long run!
Countless psychological studies point to links between perfectionism and dysfunction. “One of the most pernicious forms of self-generated stress stems from perfectionism,” explains Dr. Jon Allen in a 2003 Perspective Magazine article. A continuous cycle of striving, failure and self-criticism creates stress which pumps our blood full of hormones like cortisol and epinephrine. Both have been proven to harm the immune system, making people more vulnerable to a variety of illnesses – from the flu to cancer. Perfectionists often want and expect others to be perfect, too, perpetuating the cycle and leading to disagreements, wrecked relationships and even more stress.

So what’s the solution? It-s easier than you think! Mothers say it’s important to:

- Accept imperfection, perhaps even revel in it. Joelle, mother of one from New York, loves going to her messy friend’s house. It reminds her that not everyone has to live with the same standards.

- Share responsibility, and let go of the need to always be in control. When your nine-year-old folds laundry, tell her you appreciate how hard he or she tried.

- Choose your priorities. You can cut down on your activities – and your children’s  – to free up time for other things or for nothing. YOU are in the driver’s seat.

- Open your mind to alternative ways of running things. Elizabeth, raised in Germany and now living with her family of five in France, noticed how differently even those two neighboring cultures can be when it comes to mothers’ standards. “There’s no one way to do it correctly,” she said. “It really helps me to know that.”

- Trust yourself. Be comfortable with what works for your family: it doesn’t matter what other people think about how your kids are dressed, whether your kitchen is spotless or if your son made the A-team.

Dr. Allen, a professor of Psychiatry at Baylor College of Medicine adds, “The good news is, although perfectionism can be a relatively ingrained personality trait, it can be moderated over time.” Ultimately, you are responsible for your own happiness, and if lowering your standards will help you carve out a some more “me-time,” then give it a try.  Your family will thank you for it!

By Rebecca Rodskog, Rodskog Change Consulting
You open your favorite parenting magazine and there she is:  the mom who has it all.  She’s smiling and well-coiffed.  Not only is she succeeding in a career she loves, it seems she has well-adjusted children who love her and a husband in the background cooking dinner.  You probably think one of two things: 1. She can’t really be that happy or 2. I can never have that – it’s too hard. 

While I don’t know every working woman profiled in those magazines, I know for a fact that someone CAN actually be THAT happy, and that someone can be YOU!  You deserve to live your best life.  But you have to have a plan to get there – very few of us just “end up” balanced and happy.  You must take charge of your journey, and that can start today.

Getting you on YOUR Path:  Setting Goals that Align with Your Core Values
Last month we talked about discovering your core values.  That is the foundation of getting on the right path.  If you do not know what those are, you can end up putting a lot of effort into a goal that leads you to a place of feeling unfulfilled.  

Once you are grounded in your core values, you need to figure out your intentions and goals.  Tips for writing intentions and goals:

1. Expect Success.  When you write your goals or intentions, write them as if they have already happened.  Picture what it will look and feel like once you’ve achieved the goal, and write with specificity and gratitude.  For example, “I am thankful and grateful that I now have clarity and less anxiety around my finances, because I’ve tracked my expenses, created a budget and have a plan for my retirement in place.” This way you define and expect success.  Two important enablers in the process of achieving your goals. 

2. Develop Obtainable Goals. Keep these guidelines in mind:

- Specific: Make the goal as specific as possible so you can picture what it looks like once you’ve achieved it.  Example:  Be in one off-Broadway production and one independent film vs. “be an actor.”

- Measurable: Measurements guide you in defining what success looks like. If possible, attach numbers to goals.  Example: “Be able to run a 5K and lose 10 lbs” vs. “be healthier.”

- Dates: Again, be realistic – make sure you weigh the goal with everything else that is happening in your life.

- Relevant: Make sure it aligns with your core values, not just something you think is good or someone else thinks you should do.

- Stretch: Make the goal beyond your reach but not unrealistic.

3. Go Public.  Write it down and tell someone!  Just by doing this, it makes it real and puts you on the path to success.  If possible, get a coach or a buddy who will help hold you accountable on a weekly basis.  At a minimum, tell someone who really cares about your success and happiness and who will check in on your progress every once in a while.

Next Month:  Making the plan and sticking to it:  How to move from goals to success!

Got a question for Rebecca? We’d love to hear from you!
Email: heather@thewellmom.com

Rebecca Rodskog is a NYC based personal life coach, change management consultant, actress and mom.  She has worked with corporations and individuals for over 15 years helping them grow through change in the workplace and at home.  For more information, check out www.rodskog.com.

By Heather Cabot, The Well Mom
They run their businesses on everyone else’s schedules. Today’s “mompreneurs” do market research,  line up publicity and assemble purchase orders within little windows of time sandwiched between carpool, naptime and grocery shopping. 

“It is multi-tasking at its finest,” explains Gabrielle DeSantis, co-owner with fellow mom Monica Hillman, of Gigi Hill Bags, a California handbag company that grew out of conversations shared while watching their daughters’ soccer games.

It makes sense that the World Wide Web would create infinite opportunities for meaningful work given the 24/7 nature of motherhood itself.  It seems to be a perfect fit.  Moms are already used to finding a few minutes here or there to get stuff done for our families.  But the Internet allows enterprising mamas to literally take care of business at any time of the day. My colleagues at Yahoo! recently surveyed women with CEO aspirations and found that 67% said they were confident they could be successful launching or maintaining a business on the ‘net.

Indeed, in my search to find a few women to share their stories through the networking group Ladies Who Launch (I’m a new member of the LA chapter),  I encountered ambitious moms working round the clock.  For Britt Menzies, owner of a philanthropic children’s T-shirt line, we talked via cell phone on the soccer field one afternoon.  Ann Murphy let her daughter watch a video in the den while we stole a few minutes in the dining room to chat on the telephone about her chocolate venture.  And DeSantis and Hillman answered questions by email over a weekend because none of us could make the time to schedule a phone date. This is the life of a Dot-com Mom.

“If you would have asked me nine years ago if I was going to be anentrepreneur,  I would have said you were crazy,” says Menzies, who lives in Atlanta, Georgia and launched StinkyKids Tees after painting a whimsical picture of her daughter dressed as a ballerina.  The experience (and the notice by friends and family of her talent) awakened her artistic aspirations and gave her an outlet to raise money for charity.

“I think that yourchildren truly bring out all of the things you have ever have wanted tobe,” the former accountant for Coca Cola explains of her business which donates 10% of its profits to Washington, DC-area nonprofit, Books, Bears and Bonnets.  The organization supports children and adults fighting cancer.

All of these women told me that motherhood motivated them to go into business on their own.  They say the web makes it possible for them to pursue their ventures while balancing everything else in their busy lives. 

“We work during school hours andthen do the pick-up, then homework, sports, dance, etc., then back tothe computer to check email, make a call, make dinner, hang out, kidsbedtime, then back to do email, write copy…etc., etc. etc,” sayDeSantis, 45 and Hillman, 42, who each have two children.

For 43-year-old Murphy, the owner of Decadent Delights, the Internet allowed her to open up a virtual storefront to sell her special almond toffee.  It made her dream compatible with raising three children and also reduced the amount of capital she needed to get up and running.  Her dining room table is now command central for orders and shipments. 

“I am just so happy because I feel like I am doing what I am supposedto be doing. I am a mom and I have my career,”  says the former pharmaceutical sales rep who lives outside of Cleveland, Ohio. 

Of course, running a business from home is not easy even with technology at our fingertips. 

“My kids are learning to understand that if Mommy is going to work Tuesday and Thursday, then we’ll do something fun on Wednesday and Friday,” Murphy told me.

“You may not have time to color with them as much or sit in front of the TV,” says  Menzies.  But she believes StinkyKids and its motto of “Always be a leader of good,” has impressed on her two children lessons she says could not have taught them in a more meaningful way.

Not only are these women capitalizing on the commerce and marketing aspects of the Internet, they are also turning to the web for support from other business owners.  More than 60% of the women involved in Ladies Who Launch are mothers.

The women I met through researching Dot-com Moms are managing motherhood on their own terms and gaining immense satisfaction in other parts of their lives along the way.

“I’m not getting much sleepthese days,” laughs Murphy, who keeps a notepad by her bed to write down all of her ideas that keep her up at night. 

“I love Oprah and now I know what she means when Oprah says, ‘You have to find what you are passionate aboutand once you find that, it just comes,” she says.