By Sara Holliday, Founder, Fit By Sara
There’s an unwritten rule among us moms that we’re supposed to take on everything. You know what I mean: take care of the kids, the household, spouse/partner, plus, in many cases, juggle a career. Asking for help feels like a weakness, and there’s guilt when a mom feels overwhelmed and can’t do it all. The problem is that by doing it all you begin to hold resentment which can be reflected by weight gain, less passion in your relationship, low energy, and lack of patience with your children. Recognizing that being a mom doesn’t require taking everything on is key to breaking free of martyrdom. Your life becomes more manageable and the passion for living returns. Here are 3 simple steps for moms to follow to get what she needs and stop being a “mommy martyr†in the process.
The first step is recognizing that you’re a mommy martyr. Answer these questions to see if you have mommy martyr thinking:
- Do you feel that you should be able to handle everything by yourself?
- Do you rarely ask for help from others?
- Do you feel overwhelmed, but continue to take care of everything?
- Are you feeling resentful, and does it reflect in lack of passion with your partner, and lack of patience with your children?
If you answer yes to three of the four questions, you’re a mommy martyr. Now that you recognize it, you can make the conscious choice to make changes that will make your life easier.
Step two is asking for what you need versus waiting for what you want to happen. Understanding the difference between men and women will ease your frustrations. Women to manage multi-tasking quite well – we comfortably focus on more than one thing at a time such as talking on the phone while folding laundry, whereas men focus on only one thing at a time, and get frustrated when side-tracked by another task. Here’s a scenario: Mom is holding the baby, diaper bag, cooler, etc. and hoping that dad will notice and help her carry a few things to the car, but when dad is working on the computer, he’s unlikely to notice that she’s struggling. In his mind, he thinks that if she needs help she’ll ask…and you should! Instead of waiting for him to notice, which he probably won’t, just ask him for help. For example you can say, “Hon, can you help me carry a few things to the car?†You’ll be surprised he’ll happily come to assist you. When you need help don’t be afraid to ask others too. For example, at the grocery store accept help out to your car. Get your children involved with household tasks such as helping you with cleaning. And make cleaning fun and your children will help out and not see cleaning as drudgery. You can also hire a high school student for a few hours a week so you can work or have some pampering time to yourself. The more you receive help the better you’ll feel, and your resentments will vanish.
Step three is allowing some things to be left unfinished. For example, if you’re really tired at the end the day, you don’t have to put the toys away. Everything doesn’t need to be perfect before you go to sleep. No one will care or judge you, you will feel so much better after you have a good night’s sleep, and you’ll get it done quicker the next day.
Try these three simple steps and see what happens. You’ll probably get the help you need. You’ll no longer feel resentful. The passion with your husband or spouse will be reignited and you’ll have more patience with your children. When mama’s happy…well, you know the rest.
Copyright 2008 Fit by Sara, Inc.
Sara Holliday, MFT, CPT, is a licensed marriage-family therapist, life and fitness coach, holistic health practitioner, and mother of two. She has a Masters Degree in Psychology and a Bachelors Degree in Kinesiology and maintains certifications and/or licenses in a multitude of health and fitness disciplines. As an expert in women and families’ health and wellness, Sara has appeared on numerous radio and TV shows including Oprah & Friends Radio, Martha Stewart Living Radio, Playboy Radio, PBS Radio, KABC, KNBC and KTLA and she is a columnist for several women’s health and fitness publications. For more info visit: http://www.fitbysara.com.
